Killer Apespeare (Two Scenes for the Amateur Player)

SCENE I. A Forest.
Enter SIR TOM FARTHINBED, and LIMBONI, an enormously fat Fool, and a RETINUE of serving men, horse grooms, random wenches, et al.


Prithee Fool, hast thou no better notion
To stay the leaden eyelids ope ‘gainst the weight of travail,
As in this wood each tree plays semblance
To its brother tree, without let or change
As sun follow moon and sun again?

Good sir, I beg–

KILLER APE, emerging suddenly from a Grotto:
–Grr-rrr-rrr-rrr, grr!

The APE tears off and devours LIMBONI’s enormous right buttock, then removes LIMBONI’s right arm, which is used to crush SIR TOM’s skull, and then the APE scoops out SIR TOM’s brains, and dashes them upon the ground. The APE unravels LIMBONI’s gutting and fashions a rough net in which SIR TOM’s jawbone and LIMBONI’s hipbone and legbones form a rude toy. The RETINUE first stares in shock and horror, and then as one flees. EXEUNT, pursued by KILLER APE.


SCENE II. By a peaceful Brook.
KILLER APE is calmly washing and folding delicate silk frockery and all manner of feminine adornment. Each article is carefully washed and hung to dry on a nearby willow tree.

GLYCERINA, a maiden, enters, singing (she does not see the APE).

Tro-lo-lo-lo-lo, tro-lo-lo-lo-lay!
O bonny diddy piddy pie and pease
Mouse-prince Lumpkin, m’lady he doth please–

GLYCERINA airily trips into the glade, treading muddily upon KILLER APE’s delicate underthings.

Grr-rrr-rrr-rrr, Grr-rrr-rrr-rrr, Grr-rrr!

GLYCERINA is wrought like unto a famished fat man’s pudding.


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Filed under indulgence, langwich, snark, thingness

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