(I’m sure Glenn Beck will pick this up soon…)

As you wake up this morning, what’s the first thing you notice? Is it the fresh hint of spring in the air, the burgeoning fields of green as God sneaks around at night with His mystical vegetable paint? Or is it a nagging feeling that something is…somehow…off. Something’s wrong.

And then it hits you: you look at a calendar, and you see that it claims today is April 12, 2010. But you know, don’t you – you know in your bones – that today is, in fact, April Fools’ Day. With your very soul exquisitely attuned to the essence of the day, you know: the government stole time from you, lied to you, and tried to make you believe today is the twelfth day of April…when in actual true divine fact, it is April 1: April Fools Day.

Let me prove it to you. In 1752, at the height of a liberal/socialist/communist/fascist/secular-Islamist power grab, the authorities decreed a heinous, unnatural atrocity against the calendar: to worship their worldly, demonic master, Science, they claimed that the calendar was false, wrong, inaccurate…and with grotesque and atrocious force, simply seized eleven entire days from the sacred calendar. Blasphemy! How could the calendar – built upon divine truth, in which Our Lord was born on Christmas Day, was crucified on Good Friday, and rose again in glory on Easter – be “wrong”? Science with its forked tongue tried to ooze forth its honeyed, silken lies about the period of the planet’s rotation, a growing drift from calendar time, and other such worldly, preposterously humanistic liberal garbage, probably dreamt up in some lesbian coven in hellish midnight ceremonies among savages at the site of the future Berkeley.

But we know the truth: Today is April 1, April Fools Day. Be proud, and be a fool.


1 Comment

Filed under dumb, geek, politricks, snark

One response to “(I’m sure Glenn Beck will pick this up soon…)

  1. Matt

    There’s actually a marker for that particular heathen ritual somewhere near the site of the first Peet’s.

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