Resolved:

Ugliest female name: Gretchen.

Ugliest male name: Jared.

Both sound like characters in epic Vogon poetry. Hearing them aloud is an experience akin to feeling an unidentified something the consistency of hard rubber in your mouth as you’re desperately and drunkenly consuming an anonymous burrito in a flickering neon-lit place cockroaches are scared to inhabit.

In other words, ick factorial.

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