We have left-turn only lanes, HOV-only lanes…I think a truly useful innovation would be lanes reservedly exclusively for assholes. Think of it: how often have you been driving along, obeying the rules of the road and paying attention to your kind fellow traveler, when some moron in the sort of vehicle that causes penis-enhancement-pill salespeople to salivate does something…well, utterly assholey? All the time, right?
Today, for example: I’m on my way home, when I remember that I need to buy medicine for my poor sick mama at the local general store, and so I thoughtfully signal to move into the right lane, which is for right turns, and then on the green arrow I make the right turn into the rightmost lane.
Which is when some large ballcap-wearing guy in a huge pickup truck that’s never seen a lick of hauling comes nearly straight up my ass like he’s reenacting some nature documentary, with his horn blaring honking and his middle finger all a-flip. And it came to me, in a flash: this should be the ASSHOLE ONLY LANE. The right lane for people who just turned left? That’s the ASSHOLE ONLY LANE. The two-inches-to-spare between you and the parked car zip into the abandoned parking lane to jet past you at the just-turned-green light so as to gain ten extra feet to immediately turn right into the strip mall with the hubcap store, Wal-Mart, and Viagra wholesaler? That’s the ASSHOLE ONLY LANE.
I’m sure we can designate more lanes for those benighted with Advanced Asshole Syndrome (or “AAS” – which, I’m pretty sure, is by sheerest coincidence Swedish for “flatulent anus”).
UPDATE: Plagiaristic Onion bastards!