let’s get metaphysical

What is it about vice-squad -type folks and obscure, vaguely philosophical language? I’ve always found the phrase “substance abuse” rather amusing…the notion that something as vague as a “substance” might be abusable – and now (via this week’s “Savage Love” column – which annoyingly uses an URL system that will change after its next edition but which is not predictable: it’s the 2/14/08 column) we find that, at least for the upright citizens of Jackson, Mississippi, the legal jargon for sex toys (which are prohibited in Jackson – from heaven, Lee Hazlewood shakes his head mournfully) is “three-dimensional devices.” I certainly hope none of my readers has ever used a three-dimensional device, and instead that such readers have relied entirely upon devices that are infinitely flat and limited to two dimensions, or which provide otherworldly stimulation by means of a fourth-dimensional vibrating appendage (the use of such device would be, presumably, allowable in Jackson, Mississippi – in case you’re traveling, and feel lonely – since it is not, thereby, strictly a “three-dimensional device”).

Either that, or aliens from an alternate dimensionality have taken over the reins of power in Jackson: first they take the sex toys, and then…the rest! “From beneath they devour!”

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2 Comments

Filed under langwich, snark, webbities

2 responses to “let’s get metaphysical

  1. Anonymous

    unless a device doesn’t move in time — in which case it would be difficult to use for any prurient purpose I can imagine — it is a 4-dimensional device.

    tangentially, I was always concerned about my college’s description of items which were unacceptable in residence housing, which included anything that could be used as a weapon. like, y’know, textbooks. or my own hands.

  2. yellojkt

    They are trying to carve out an exception for good ole fashioned girlie magazines because they are flat and blow-up dolls and dildos aren’t. Good luck with that.

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