reasons 6,372 & 6,373 why I’m not in marketing

* Greeting card companies seem to have nearly every conceivable situation and emotion covered (The Onion satirized this situation a few weeks back, in an article I’m too lazy to link to). But one I haven’t seen is the very common situation whereby one party wishes to gloat to another party about his success, his rightness, his clearly earned justification in participating in I-told-you-so-ness. For this, I think a cute little cartoon character, called Gloaty the Goat (and looking suspiciously like this generically downloadable bit of clip art below), would work well.

* On a music mailing list I’m subscribed to, discussion of good (or bad) band names caused one person to mention Paul Revere & the Raiders – on the grounds that one guy in the band (the organist) actually was named “Paul Revere.” Someone else pointed out that, technically, his name was “Paul Revere Dick.” The theory was floated that perhaps he was Andy Dick’s father…to which someone else speculated that, to be consistent with the whole “historical Americans” thing, the actor’s given name should be “Andrew Jackson Dick.”

This gave me an idea. I propose a set of action figures named after historical Americans: Benjamin Franklin Dick, George Washington Dick, Ulysses S. Grant Dick, John F. Kennedy Dick, and, of course, Dick Nixon Dick. The action figures are basically dildos dressed up in the appropriate historical garb and with the appropriate faces attached.

It’ll make millions, I’m sure.

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reasons 6,372 & 6,373 why I’m not in marketing

* Greeting card companies seem to have nearly every conceivable situation and emotion covered (The Onion satirized this situation a few weeks back, in an article I’m too lazy to link to). But one I haven’t seen is the very common situation whereby one party wishes to gloat to another party about his success, his rightness, his clearly earned justification in participating in I-told-you-so-ness. For this, I think a cute little cartoon character, called Gloaty the Goat (and looking suspiciously like this generically downloadable bit of clip art below), would work well.

* On a music mailing list I’m subscribed to, discussion of good (or bad) band names caused one person to mention Paul Revere & the Raiders – on the grounds that one guy in the band (the organist) actually was named “Paul Revere.” Someone else pointed out that, technically, his name was “Paul Revere Dick.” The theory was floated that perhaps he was Andy Dick’s father…to which someone else speculated that, to be consistent with the whole “historical Americans” thing, the actor’s given name should be “Andrew Jackson Dick.”

This gave me an idea. I propose a set of action figures named after historical Americans: Benjamin Franklin Dick, George Washington Dick, Ulysses S. Grant Dick, John F. Kennedy Dick, and, of course, Dick Nixon Dick. The action figures are basically dildos dressed up in the appropriate historical garb and with the appropriate faces attached.

It’ll make millions, I’m sure.

4 Comments

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4 responses to “reasons 6,372 & 6,373 why I’m not in marketing

  1. MacGregor Rucker

    It only takes one presidential dildo to bugger the entire country… think George W. Bush Dick.

  2. James

    Extend this to the ream of science fiction, and you have Philip K. Dick Dick…

  3. jon manyjars

    Someone may have mentioned this on your music mailing list, but “Paul Revere Dick and the Raiders” just doesn’t have the same ring to it as a band name.

    On the other hand, the Dick Raiders might be a good name for a punk band.

  4. 2fs

    Jon – However, apparently Mr. Revere did work for a while under the name “Revere Dick.”

    Which sounds like something a slightly stuffier version of Tom Cruise’s character in Magnolia would say.

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